About Sexual Violence

Sexual violence is the use of sexual actions and/or words that are unwanted by and harmful to another person. Some of these actions are defined as crimes by Maine law. Other experiences of sexual violence, while clearly personal violations, may not rise to the level of a crime. That does not in any way diminish the victim/survivor’s experience of being violated.

Sexual Abuse of Children Rape Understanding Consent

                                               

Sexual abuse of children

• Child sexual abuse is sexual activity with a child by an adult, an adolescent, or an older child. When any adult engages in sexual activity with a child, that is child sexual abuse. It is a crime in all 50 states. Click here for a listing of both touching and non-touching sexual behaviors that are considered sexual abuse. When sexual activity involves another child or an adolescent, it is not always so clear. Some kinds of sexual behavior among children might be natural explorations rather than abuse. Click here for help in figuring out whether the behavior you see is sexual abuse between children.
• 90% of the time the child knows the person that commits the abuse.  (Finkelhor, D., H. Hammer, and A.J. Sedlak, Sexually assaulted children: National estimates and characteristics, in Juvenile Justice Bulletin. In press, OJJDP: Washington, D.C. http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/factsheet/pdf/CSA-FS20.pdf.) The people who sexually abuse can be immediate or extended family members (fathers, mothers, stepparents, grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.). They can be neighbors, babysitters, religious leaders, teachers, coaches, or anyone else who has close contact with our children.
• Children cannot protect themselves alone- adults must learn to recognize and inquire about behaviors that make children vulnerable or suggest that abuse has occurred. Waiting for children to tell about abuse leaves them to face the confusion and trauma on their own.

How Can We Keep Our Children Safe From Sexual Abuse?

We need to teach children about safety. We, as adults, also need to educate ourselves about sexual abuse, the warning signs of sexually abusing behaviors and the risk factors that create situations that make children vulnerable. Then we adults need to act. Here are some things that you and your family can do to prevent the sexual abuse of a child you know and love.

Adults need to:

• Set and respect family boundaries.
• Speak up when you see behaviors that violate a child's personal boundaries or make children vulnerable.
• Watch for signs of sexually inappropriate behavior in adults, between adults and children, and in children. (click here for a list of Warning Signs)
• In your own life, demonstrate to your children that it is OK to say "no" when someone you know and care about does something you do not like.
• Practice talking about difficult topics such as sexual abuse with other adults.
• Be sure that you are comfortable saying the proper names of body parts before you teach them to your children.
• Teach children the difference between OK touch and touch that is not OK. As they get older, teach the more subtle differences between red light, yellow light, and green light behaviors. These three levels of behaviors are a clear way to describe the gray areas which include sexual behaviors that are clearly inappropriate, but are not legally sexual abuse.
• Teach children that secrets about touching are not OK.
• Set up a family safety plan that is easy to remember.
• List for yourself whom to call for advice, information, and help.

Tips for Talking to Children about Sexual Abuse…

• Teach children accurate names for all of their body parts. A convenient time to do this is during bath time when you are teaching children about how to wash all of their body parts. It is important that kids know all of the correct names. If they ever need to report being touched inappropriately, they will know the words to use.

• Include rules about body safety with all of your other safety rules. It is as important as knowing about poisons, what to do in case of a fire, or how to cross the street. Let children know that the private parts of his/her body should only be touched by an adult to help keep them clean or healthy. Examples are parents helping with baths, or the pediatrician performing a check up.

• Avoid telling kids that only strangers are dangerous. It is important to know that in 85% of sexual abuse cases, the perpetrators are known to the victims. Instead of saying strangers are dangerous, talk about situations that are dangerous. Brainstorm with children what they could do if they find themselves in a dangerous situation. Give scenarios and try some role plays.

• Help children understand and trust their feelings. Ask them if they have ever felt “funny” or wanted to stay away from someone. Explain that when they have feelings like this, trust them, and tell a trusted adult how they are feeling.

• Don’t encourage behavior that can leave your kids vulnerable. Examples may include saying “Always do what adults tell you to do,” or “Don’t hurt cousin Fred’s feelings, hug him goodbye.” Children need to learn how to say “NO!” when they don’t want to be touched. They need to have permission to tell us who or what they don’t like and why.

• It is most important to keep in mind that if your child discloses abuse, it is vital to believe him/her. Children rarely make up stories of this nature. Report the abuse, and reach out for services. There are many people who can help.

The exact definition of “rape,” “sexual assault,” “sexual abuse” and similar terms differs by state. The wording can get confusing, since states often use different words to mean the same thing or use the same words to describe different things. So, for a precise legal definition, you need to check the law in your state. (For State of Maine Law click here)But here are some general guidelines based on the definitions used by the U.S. Justice Department. Please note that this definition is a bit graphic, which is inevitable when describing crimes this violent.

Rape: forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration.

                       Penetration may be by a body part or an object.

Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape: women, men or children, straight or gay. Rape is a crime. It is motivated by the need to control, humiliate, and harm. It is not motivated by sexual desire. Rapists use sex as a weapon to dominate others.

• 7 in 10 rape and sexual assault victims know their attacker prior to the assault. (Rennison, Callie M. "Criminal Victimization 1999: Changes 1998-00 with Trends 1993-99." Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, August 2000., 2000)

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, "Drug Rape", is one of the fastest growing crimes in America today. In most cases, this is how it happens: Illicit drugs are unobtrusively slipped into beverages of unsuspecting victims at dance parties, bars or nightclubs. These substances are colorless, tasteless and odorless so the victim has absolutely no way of knowing that the drink he or she is about to consume will cause severe impairment and leave him or her defenseless. The victim is then left at the mercy of the perpetrator, led away to somewhere private and ultimately assaulted.Traces of the drugs used can disappear from the body within 12 hours.

Many victims have no memory of what happened to them, either waking up with a stranger, or being helped home by friends. For more on drug facilitated sexual assaults, click here. Remember- ALCOHOL IS THE MOST COMMONLY USED DATE RAPE DRUG!!! Sexual assaults occur due to seemingly innocent and social drinking, at times exacerbated by any use of over the counter or  prescription medications. Mixing sex and alcohol can lead to a very bad situation.

 

Understanding Consent

The concept of "consent" is at the center of any debate about sexual assault, rape, or criminal sexual conduct.

Sexual assault, rape, criminal sexual conduct- no matter what you call it, rape is defined as having sex with someone without their consent. And it's a felony. Age of consent is another issue that is clearly defined by laws all over the world. Age of consent and statutory rape laws exist to help protect children and teenagers from exploitation. Consent is the key in each and every rape committed.

Because it's the central issue, the law has carefully defined consent. It's important to check with a Rape Response Services advocate for referral to someone who can help you better understand this complicated law. For a closer look at Maine State Law click here.

The existence of a current or prior social or sexual relationship does not automatically translate to consent. Consent is not implied if there is a relationship. And a person who is incapacitated (drunk, sick, on drugs, unconscious) can not give consent.

And without consent, any sexual act is rape.

For such a simple concept, consent is surprisingly difficult for most people to accept and understand. Why? Because rape has such a long and tangled history including a multitude of misconceptions, lies, and false rumors. The biases of the past keep muddying the waters.

Consent is an action, not the lack of response. Consent is an active response; it is not silence.

There is a very long list of misconceptions about rape, sex and consent, so let's try to dispell some of the myths. Advocates often hear the following statements. And survivors are surprised to learn that these circumstances do not qualify as consent.

• There's no DNA evidence.
• I didn't scream for help.
• He's my boyfriend.
• I was drunk.
• I let him in my room.
• I persuaded him to use a condom.
• My body responded.
• I don't have injuries, or skin under my fingernails, to prove that I resisted.
• There were no witnesses. It's his word against mine.

While some of these factors may affect the ease of pressing criminal charges, they have absolutely no relevance if you feel you were raped. The issue is consent.

If you did not consent, you were victimized, and you need to get help healing emotionally. If you did not consent, then a crime has been committed. If you did not consent, nothing else -- not your sexual history, not your relationship with the other person, not your alcohol intake, not your clothing -- absolutely nothing else matters.

If you have a sexual relationship with the other person, have sex Wednesday, then refuse to have sex Friday, your wishes must be respected. If they are not, it's rape. If you invite someone into your room and start kissing, then change your mind and say 'no', your wishes must be respected. If they are not, it's rape. It doesn't matter if he's your boyfriend, your husband, your fiancee, a date, or a stranger. It doesn't matter if you have a relationship with him or not. You must enthusiastically agree to the act of sex, and if you don't, he has to stop.

Remember these facts:      Ignorance of the law is not a defense.

                                                    Silence is not consent.

                                                          And no means NO.